


Food First, Man Juices Later

by professorcockblock



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Marauders' Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-05
Updated: 2012-04-05
Packaged: 2017-11-03 02:41:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/376201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/professorcockblock/pseuds/professorcockblock
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Sirius is a linguistics buff, James commits obscene acts with brooms, and everyone wants beef wellington. Not really a script, but not really not.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Food First, Man Juices Later

**Author's Note:**

> I actually wrote this ages ago but then went mental almost immediately and decided it was the most awful thing that anyone had ever written and orphaned it. I chanced over it on my computer today and fuck it, it turns out I don't hate it as much as I thought I did, so here it is again making as little sense as it did the first time.

**James** :  
Bastard!

 **Remus** :  
What?

 **James** :  
Greasy, slimy bastard!

 **Sirius** :  
What?

 **James** :  
Greasy, slimy, unwashed, hook-nosed, bloody… bastard!

 **Sirius** :  
Oh.

 **Peter** :  
Oh?

 **Remus** :  
Snivellus.

 **Peter** :  
Oh.

 **James** :  
What a fucking greasy-

 **Remus** :  
Slimy, hook-nosed, bloody bastard?

 **Peter** :  
You missed unwashed.

 **James** :  
Moony, how could you miss unwashed!? Surely his unwashedness is a pinnacle of his bastardliness!

 **Remus** :  
Bastardliness is not a word.

 **James** :  
Well neither is ‘funnification’, but Padfoot used it 16 times last week.

 **Remus** :  
I’m not sure that helps your argument as much as you think it does.

 **Sirius** :  
Oi, I’m quite the linguistics buff I’ll have you know, Remus! Besides, Prongs, mate, you haven’t even told us what His Great And Most Unwashed Bastardliness-

 **Remus** :  
Not a word.

 **Sirius** :  
 _-bastardliness_  actually even did this time.

 **James** :  
I don’t want to talk about it.

 **Remus** :  
Oh good. Who’s up for dinner then? Beef wellington I heard-

 **James** :  
It’s too tragic.

 **Peter** :  
If you thought that was a good enough reason for you not to tell a story then you’d never say anything ever again.

 **James** :  
It’s much too painful to talk about.

 **Sirius** :  
Oh for Merlin’s sake, you melodramatic twat.

 **James** :  
This is not melodrama! It was  _awful_ , you don't understand.

 **Remus** :  
Did he deflower you?

 **Peter** :  
Debauch you?

 **Sirius** :  
Seize your manhood with his gentle unwashed grace?

 **James** :  
Fuck off. Nobody seizes my manhood but me.

 **Peter** :  
Yeah,  _we know_. Hate to break it to you, mate, but you’re not exactly quiet about 'seizing your manhood'. So to speak.

 **Sirius** :  
Every bloody night.

 **Remus** :  
With gusto.

 **Peter** :  
And sound effects.

 **Sirius** :  
 _“Oh Lily, Lily! Yeah, just there!”_  Silencing charms, Prongs; learn them.

 **James** :  
Ah, but then how would you great big perves keep yourselves entertained at night if not by my deep, masculine throes of passion?

 **Sirius** :  
Your throes of passion are about as deep and masculine as Snivellus’s underwear.

 **Remus** :  
Speaking of which, we have still not ascertained what he actually did that was so terrible. As a group we apparently possess the collective attention span of a brain damaged kneazle.

 **James** :  
My broom. My beautiful pride and joy broom. My one-true-love-nothing-shall-ever-tear-us-apart-if-marital-union-between-man-and-broom-were-legal-I-would-make-her-my-broom-wife-in-a-second broom. He- oh god, I don’t even want to tell you. It was  _obscene_.

 **Sirius** :  
He committed obscene acts with your broom? But Prongsie, you’re the only one who’s allowed to do that! Poor, abused Lady Broomington.

 **James** :  
Sirius, for the last fucking time, my broom is not called Lady bloody Broomington!

 **Sirius** :  
Yeah yeah, alright love.

 **James** :  
[mumbles incoherently]

 **Peter** :  
What?

 **James** :  
He sneezed. Snivellus did. Snivellus sneezed. On Lady Broo- on my broom.

 **Remus** :  
Wait…  _that_  is the quote unquote ‘obscene act’ he committed?

 **James** :  
He got his disgusting man juices all over her!

 **Remus** :  
Potter, you are the most ridiculous person I have ever met. Surpassing in ridiculousness; Xeno whathisface from Ravenclaw, that 1st year Lockhart kid who keeps claiming to have duelled the giant squid,  _and_  king of the ridiculouses, our lord and protector, Dumbles himself. Well done, old chap. Bravo. I hereby grant thee the crown.

 **Sirius** :  
Ignore him, he would say that, we all know that Moony doesn’t mind a spot of man juices, eh, eh?

 **Remus** :  
Says he who actively encourages his sweat glands to overproduce  _"so for that the good women of Hogwarts may have moist and appealing eye candy to distract from the horrors of herbology and general learning."_

 **Sirius** :  
Trials of being a teenage heartthrob, mon petite chou.

 **Peter** :  
Prongs?

 **James** :  
If anything you’re about to say includes the words ‘man juices’ or ‘eye candy’ then I swear to god, Pettigrew, I will fart on everything you own.

 **Remus** :  
As if he hasn’t already.

 **Peter** :  
I was just going to say that… well… if you don’t want him to do stuff like this – Snivellus, I mean – you could always try… you know…

 **Sirius** :  
Bubotubor puss in his pumpkin juice?

 **James** :  
Planting Avery’s old-man-pants under his pillow?

 **Sirius** :  
Cursing his arms to shrink down like a t-rex so that he can’t clap or wank?

 **James** :  
Oh those poor dinosaurs, what terrible reptilian plight.

 **Peter** :  
Actually I just was going to say that you could you try… you know…

 **James** :  
I really don’t.

 **Peter** :  
Not… being…. you know…….. a dick. To Snivellus.

 **Remus** :  
Ahah! Yes! Good man, Wormtail! What sound and sensible council! Let’s all listen to Peter!

 **James** :  
Are you two  _mad_? Are you round the bloody twist? I could get you drawn and quartered for this kind of blasphemy! I’m not a dick, I am a bloody godsend, I’m a keeper of the bloody fucking peace! Pah. Dick. Dick my arse!

 **Sirius** :  
I’m with you on all accounts mate – keeper of the peace, drawn and quartered and all that – but please for the love of god do not say the words ‘dick my arse’ and expect me let such awkward phrasing pass without comment. No offense, Moony.

 **Remus** :  
Not even going to dignify that with a response.

 **James** :  
Quite apart from Moony’s preferences concerned dicks and their relative proximities to arses, could we please address the fact that Peter,  _Peter_ of all people, just called me a dick. In cold blood, the traitor.

 **Peter** :  
I didn’t call you a dick, I just suggested that you, you know, might not want to be so… well you know… dickish…

 **Sirius** :  
Good save there, mate. Really magnificent.

 **James** :  
Wormtail, are you suggesting that I make nice with Snivellus? That I snuggle up with Snape? Kisses and cuddles with Sev at twilight?

 **Peter** :  
That’s not what I meant! I just mean that in the interests of self-preservation it might be, well, prudent not to, say, fill his pants with doxy eggs.

 **Sirius** :  
Be fair though, that was a bloody good one. Stroke of genius to leave them ‘til hatching season.

 **Remus** :  
Well if I’d known you what you were going to do with them I never would have suggested it.

 **Sirius** :  
Pipe down, you fraudulent tart, you knew exactly what we were going to do with them. Don’t play coy with us now, Lupin.

 **James** :  
The quiet ones always are the most corruptible.

 **Remus** :  
Oh fine, yes, you’ve turned me rogue. I am but a soldier in the great and unbreakable army of ne'er-do-well’s. Fine. But Wormtail still has a point, it was rather harsh.

 **James** :  
Ah for pisses sake, can we cut the Slytherin pity party bullshit please? He’s a twat. He’s a cruel, narrow-minded bigot and a greasy little fucker besides, and if I am a dick to him – which I’m not saying I am – then it’s only because he bloody well deserves it.

 **Remus** :  
And this would of course have nothing to do with his inclination never to be more than 3 ft from a certain redhead?

 **James** :  
It’s like he’s stalking her!

 **Sirius** :  
I-

 **James** :

No. Shut up. Don’t say it. I don’t stalk her. I just like to know where, approximately, she’s likely to be at any particular given time, and possibly to also be there myself.

 **Remus** :  
So… stalking then.

 **James** :  
No.

 **Remus** :  
You just described stalking.

 **James** :  
Didn’t.

 **Sirius** :  
Sort of did.

 **James** :  
Look, in case I’m not bloody well mistaken, the point here is that Snape’s a nasty fucker that deserves everything he has coming to him. Can we just agree that he’s a tosser and move on?

_[general begrudging murmurs of agreement]_

Good. Now does anyone want some bloody food, because the days various broom-based calamities have left me lacking in protein and there are whispers of beef wellington circulating.

 **Peter** :  
Prongs, I thought you’d never ask.

 **Sirius** :  
Here here! Foodwards bound!

 **Peter** :  
What about Lady Broomington and her man juices?

 **Sirius** :  
Man juices are Remus’s area.

 **Remus** :  
Bugger off.

 **James** :  
Food first, man juices later.

 **Remus** :  
And with that sentence you just described your entire existence as a human being.


End file.
